i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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