I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
My cat gives me a boner
people are starting to question the shark bite story
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
