angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
