I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
did you just send me my own nude
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Randomize
