hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
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