he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Randomize
