I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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