I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Vodka?
Forever.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
The power of my boobs compel you
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize
