I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
what day is it and did you see me today?
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
