I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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