When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
