Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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