so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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