So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
