I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
