I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
