too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
