A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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