Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
