Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
