everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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