so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Randomize
