There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
