My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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