I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
