She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
