maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
