Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
