I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
