Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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