i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
