did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
