So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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