the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
