1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
So vagazzling was a success
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
