I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
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