Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Randomize
