I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
