somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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