Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
