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he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
