she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
