I haven't been this sober since birth.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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