Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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