i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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