I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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