weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
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