i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
