i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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