I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Randomize
